You are so BAD!!!

That heading could be said with a smile or a scowl, and followed by a wink or a growl. Either way, my tendency was to internalize it. I was bad. Otherwise, I wouldn't elicit such a remark.

But, why did I internalize it? Why did I think there must be some truth to it? Why did I assume it applied to me, at least partially, without question? How did I let it build until I felt deep down inside that I was undeserving? Why would I go on to seek out evidence and confirmation of that?

Most Christians would simply say, "Oh, that's because of your sin nature. You were born with a bent toward evil." That may be true, but I need more understanding. From my observation deck, which is barely above sea level, the tendency to feel undeserving does not appear to be universal. Eleanor Roosevelt once said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." I blindly trusted a fallen world. I was very introverted and shy as a kid. I believed what I was told.

I recall listening to a tape set on the "World's 100 Greatest People" a long time ago. In it was a quick story about a famous theologian. I'm not sure now if it was Thomas Aquinas or Augustine, but the story goes like this. In school, he was big for his age and quiet. This made him a prime target of adolescent hecklers. One time, a group of his peers, who were supposed to be his friends, said, "Wow! Look out the window! There's a flying cow!" The subject of the story got up, went to window, and glanced around, seriously looking for a flying cow. The class started laughing hysterically. "I can't believe you fell for that," was the common cry. He turned and quieted them with these words, "I'd rather believe that a cow could fly than that my friends would lie to me." Me too. But, why me?

Ah! That question right there begins the yarn. "Why me?" It instantly relieves me of responsibility and accountability. And at a young age, those are very big words. My circumstances are larger than life itself. Even as I grew to see my surroundings as miraculous, I failed to see myself as a miracle. I must change the basic question to "Why not me?" But how?

First, I had to realize that the original question, which I thought was the question, is meaningless. To ask why of my circumstances was fruitless. In fact, I'm better off not knowing the answer lest I think of myself as a god, even if I don't use that label. I'm much better off simply trusting the universe, or a sovereign God, and examining myself. What does my heart say? What do my circumstances teach me? If insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results, what must I do differently before I go insane? The Al-Anon mantra is "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

Second, I had to realize that I am deeply loved and that I matter. It can start by simply asking, "Why not me?" But, it ends with the realization that my Creator is the One that loves. He is love and I am His. The journey in between has been my challenge. Often times I'd forget that I even asked a new question. I'd sink back into my earlier beliefs.

Why can't I be changed in the twinkling of an eye? Wrong question again. I'm leaving it to someone or something else. The speed at which I change is under my control. But, the recipe for change means giving up control and trusting that the universe will provide the circumstances that fit my beliefs. It always did! God honors my freedom to acknowledge His existence and love. He does not force me to love Him. That would be an oxymoron: force and love. Instead, His love and blessings require humility, not pride; a joyful heart, not fleeting happiness from material things; an attitude of gratitude, not one that delays appreciation according to an evaluation; and wholesome trust, not fear that He will hold back.

It takes time to put on these Humble and Genuine clothes when the world around us seduces us to become naked and naughty. "You are so BAD," becomes believable. There is reinforcement all around us. Yet, before my heart grew completely cold, my conscience was convinced that it didn't have to be that way. Follow your deepest convictions as I did. Sure, I fell far short of world standards in the process. But, I had to establish a new starting point: love. From here, everything is possible, even forming the habit of asking, "Why not me?"

PS - From a spiritual standpoint, why do you suppose I capitalized the H & G when referring to "Humble and Genuine clothes?" Leave me a comment, and I will comment, too.

Surprise! Surprise!

Actually, it's no surprise. No one has made either a comment or a donation. Am I a fool to think that someone would help? Probably. Especially in this economy. What does it take to get on the radar screen of the Gates Foundation?

Anyway, I've been listening to this law of attraction and abundance stuff lately. I have to admit, they have a point. Joe Vitale is probably the best resource to come out of that group. He's down to earth, he's been there (homeless and poverty-stricken 30 years ago), and he doesn't get all kinds of mystical weird-like on me.

I don't like The Secret because it over-dramatizes and spiritualizes simple examples of cause and effect. As ye sows, so shall ye reap. The emphasis in the movie, why The Secret works they say, is to go from positive thinking to positive feeling. They go to great lengths to make this sound absolutely amazing.

Unfortunately, it doesn't work for a lot of people because there's something else that needs clarification: the role and power of the subconscious mind. That's where the force to attract or repel really comes from. Affecting your subconscious is not as easy as choosing your mood. Your subconscious is like a protective layer that prevents your conscious mind from being completely whimsical, irresponsible, and spontaneous (but otherwise fun to be around). It provides stability in drawing you back to what you really believe, giving you a conscience and integrity, and takes its information from various sources including yourself, family, friends, the culture you grew up in, and even media.

My problem is that I feel stuck and undeserving at a subconscious level. I can choose to be happy, content, peaceful. But maintaining that choice is a struggle because my subconscious believes otherwise. Guess what! My subconscious wins. (Woopee!) Now, thanks to Joe Vitale's "The Secret to Attracting Money," (made available through Nightingale-Conant), I am aware of how powerful this block is to getting what I think I want. I can now go past the positive thinking and the good feelings that didn't work for me, and get to the core of the matter: consciously making the effort to change my subconscious.

Where did those undeserving feelings come from? Stay tuned for another blog entry...!

That make me feels real good!

I got another scam email pretending to want to help me out. It was called, "You are not alone... Someone still care." Nope, I didn't drop the plural in "cares." The author forgot it. Perhaps, she had a lot of other things on her mind when she wrote this. Then again, maybe she had nothing in her mind, no even decent grammar.

Dear Friend,

First, I want you to know that someone still care about people’s dire
need during hardship. Someone care to hear you and pray for you.
Someone out there wants you to live your dream and leave again even
though the road is rough and look like a predicament without remedy.

I was once in need when I first lost my husband and I feel the pain in
me when it seems my flood is running out of my veins. I know being in
need is like the world is coming to an end but a turning point that
you lack in such case is what I have brought to you with our company
that offers varieties of loan services and even employment opportunity
that is legal and crime-free.

If you deem us fit to give us a trial for the “change” you need in
life then do not hesitate to contact me.

Rev. Joan Rutledge.

Her "flood is running out of [her] veins?" That's gross! And imagine this, crime-free employment opportunities! Then again, that phrase "predicament without remedy" is pretty creative. Anyway, it really makes me feel better knowing I'm not alone (I wish she'd leave me alone) and that "someone still care" (but not for proper grammar).

Comment Season Is Open!

I've opened up the blogs for any and all comments. Please feel free to leave your thoughts and a trail to your website.

Yes, it's true. So what?

Mahatma Ghandi said, "There is more to life than increasing its speed."

We read that and agree without much reflection. Why reflect? After all, it is already a profound truth; it does not need my attempt for improvement. Plus, giving it three seconds to soak in my mind is all I presently want to help me get through the rest of my day. There are many profound truths. This quote will eventually get replaced by another, no doubt, but not before it is forgotten. Remind me to pick up a daily calendar with "Wisdom Quotes" to put on my desk. Perhaps, I'll glance at the printed wit more than once a day, if that.

But what does that quote really mean? Why is it profound? Is it always true? To some, it conveys that deepening relationships with family and friends is more important than climbing the corporate ladder. To others, it expresses unselfish justification for seeking volunteer work. (It's about life, not me.) To a few, it means that following God's commandments takes priority over bending to the will of another human being.

Maybe we should reflect on this and other truths. Let's give it a try... Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it's time for a pop-quiz! Please answer these questions personally and to yourself. For this exercise to mean anything (and not increase life's speed), please take five to ten minutes now and write down your answers.

1. What activities increase the speed of your life without adding to its quality?
   
   
2. Alternatively, what activities seem to slow life down by wasting or killing time?
   
   
3. What is it that you do that contributes or constitutes "more to life"?
   
   
4. What activities DON'T you do that you feel would contribute or constitute "more to life" if you did them?
   
   
5. How would you feel about exchanging the activities you listed that merely control the pace of your life with events that would add more to your life and/or the lives of others?
   
   
6. What would it take for you to make and keep a commitment to improving the quality of life around you?
   

Guess what! The pop-quiz was merely the beginning. Now comes the hard part: actually doing it! Get out of your comfort zone and step into the growth zone. Start small - baby steps even.

I once comforted a friend who was frustrated with his meaningless job that lacked proper training. Knowing something about his heart's desire, I asked what he would do if money were not an issue. What was his real dream? He answered, as I expected, about finishing his degree and going into counseling. But, he complained, he needed to save money first and it didn't seem feasible to go back to school or switch careers. I said, "Start walking in the direction of your dreams and a few doors may open up that you didn't even know existed." He did and they did. He is now doing what he loves helping others to love at all.

Perhaps, we recognize truth as being profound because it strikes that chord in us - we know it has something to do with love.

Signs of Spam, Lesson 1

Lesson One of "Signs of Spam" is an introduction to the most common indications that the author ain't legit. Here they are in brief:

• Poor grammar and/or spelling
• Poor language structure
• Lack of proper identification
• Names cannot be searched in Google or Yahoo!
• Request for immediate reply
• Request for personal information

Most of the spam I've received has all of the above. The first thing I notice is the poor grammar and spelling. I should be a proofreader and/or copy editor. (Anyone hiring?) If it's almost all lower case, and punctuation is largely missing, there's a good reason to believe that any solicitation it contains is highly suspicious.

What do I mean by poor language structure? Well, in case the grammar seems fine and the spelling checks out, look for words that don't make sense together. For example, a lot of spam emails I've received end with something like, "I am look forward to reading from you." Yeah, right. And I am seek writing to you write now.

If the email has any identification at all, it's usually incomplete. This sign goes hand-in-hand with a lack of verifiable search results from Google or Yahoo. The sender's email address, the sender's name, any company or organization name, etc, with or without quotes in a search bar, will probably yield either vague or no results. Try looking up the name John Smith, for example. Good luck. Which one is it? Sometimes, there is a legitimate sounding company, like Good Nature Charity. See if you can spot them in a sea of over 1.5 million search results.

Emotions are a huge motivating force. Both spammers and used car salespeople know this. That's why the response needs to be quick. But take time to do a little research and trust your skepticism. If it has a strong emotional appeal, or sounds too good to be true, it's probably not good for you. One spammer made the mistake of specifying that a well-known government agency, with a specific name, was a supporter. Well, I searched for the referral's website and contacted them. I knew the answer before it came: they never heard of them, would never endorse something like that, and advised to stay clear of them.

Lastly, anytime there is a request for personal information it should raise a red flag. Personal information, such as birth date, social security number, driver's license, bank account, credit card, passwords, etc, should never be sent over email. Yes, I know we send passwords via email (as reminders to friends or business associates), and we get them when we click 'Forgot Password' on a site we use. But, the key is that we're familiar with them. Never send any of these things to a stranger.

I hope that helps. I plan to provide some real-life examples, even though I've deleted most of my spam. (There's always more. Sigh!) Also, I'll provide some insight into why some email goes to the junk folder. It's not always obvious, like a certain word used in the subject line. (That's why a lot of spammers intentionally spell these words wrong; so they won't get caught by the filters.) I'll also walk through a scheme-scenario that seems very real, but could cost you money and major hassles, let alone embarrassment if you fall for it.

This is Dumb

I have to admit, if I read a blog from someone asking for financial help from strangers who didn't have a life-threatening illness and was leaving behind very young children, it would not occur to me to give. What makes me think someone would consider giving to me? What sympathy could I possibly be appealing to? What person with the means to give would come across my blog? More specifically, even if you had spare change, dear reader, why would you give some to me? I wish I could answer that.

The only thing that makes sense is that something of value is provided. Perhaps, a sense of gratification would be of value if you sympathized with the story and felt good about lending a hand. Or, perhaps, I should provide something of value that would be worth paying for. A few ideas have crossed my mind. One in particular is, 'How to Spot Spam'. I get a lot of questions in this regard and I'm amazed how many people still respond. Some believe the contents. Some are a little skeptical but even more curious. Perhaps there is a strong need.

Stay tuned...

I Remember When Broke Was Fun

I don't know why, but I just remembered that, when I was young, I had fun even if I was broke. I wasn't paid a regular allowance and I was too small to work. Yet, it didn't matter. I played make-believe with almost anything. It was fun just to run around and play tag. Now it matters and I'm not having fun. Why?

Wait! I can control my attitude. I can choose to be pleasant, hopeful, even humorous in my pain. How many people do we know that offered us comfort from their hospital beds? I know a few, and I've done it myself.

Look, when I'm sick or hurt in the hospital, I want to be surrounded by pleasant, hopeful, and funny visitors - even if I have to cheer them up! Maybe I should apply that desire to my current financial pain. Maybe I should look at my situation as a temporary hospital stay. In the meantime, I want to be surrounded by successful, pleasant, generous, and even funny people.

I think it'll help ease the pain (worry) and fill me with the inspiration I need to get better quickly. Meanwhile, please donate some blood! :-)

Just Checking...

I just checked my Internet bank account through which I pay bills - rent, phone, utilities, garbage collection, child support, etc. My expenses exceed my income by several hundred dollars. And that does not include property taxes that were due August 1st, income taxes due from last year (I actually owe money because I had to withdraw from my IRA), and paying off credit card debt. This plea for help is no joke.

I'm expecting a check for helping organizations save money on utilities. That might get me through the month (paying taxes and debt). I plan to make more money with this venture, but I don't expect to see that money until the last week of August at the earliest. It takes time to sign them up for savings and confirm their enrollment. I also hope to pick up a few bucks here and there from Internet consulting. May be next month I'll survive, too. I don't know and I hate not knowing.

My wife's salary covers food, kids clothes, and household necessities. She's doing a great job of staying within budget. Your donation would go straight toward debt reduction. Please help now!

Waiting for Gratitude

Is this idea going to work? Why would a total stranger make a donation to me? There are so many much more important causes than mine. All I know is that I'm overwhelmed with bills. I never thought I'd get here, but I did. And now I have an even larger family to worry about.

Do I have anything to offer in return? Gratitude, for one. Just know that I'm working my butt off on my business ventures so they pay off. Soon!

Sent Into the Harvest

The title of this post is the same as the title of a sermon I heard today. Unbelievable! Did you read my previous post about work versus rest on Sunday? I wrote it about two hours before we left for church. I was just talking about sowing and reaping. Then I go to church and learn it's today's theme. It's like God was saying, "In case you're brain dead, or your heart has hardened against me, I'll have you know there is a lesson in all of this." I want to respond like Rex from Toy Story, "Great! Now I have guilt!"

On top of that, as if it weren't enough in one day, the written testimonials of four individuals were on the back table. I picked them up on the way out and read them when I got home. Two of them talked about significant life changes: previous alcoholism, for example, in one, and previous verbal abuse in the other. I began thinking of my own life.

I was baptized three times on separate occasions: first, as an infant; second, as a Catholic in order to get married; and third, as a believer. Later in life I found no scriptural evidence for infant baptism, I had divorced my Catholic wife, and I finally came to the belief I hold now. (That's not to say it hasn't wavered.) At the third baptism, sometimes called "believer baptism," I read my testimonial to the congregation.

After reading the other testimonials, though, mine seemed superficial in hindsight. Oh, I mentioned some big hitters like mastery over pornography and masturbation. (Masturbation was one of those things that many people had told me was normal. Yet I never felt right afterward. Pornography on the Internet was just too easy and my heart was very lustful.)

Nevertheless, there were other things I confessed in secret, hoping that my "Father who sees in secret will [forgive me]." (I replaced the word "reward" with "forgive". I think "reward" is beyond what I deserve.) I came out of a lot of near misses. I could have become an alcoholic for the quantity and frequency I drank even before high school. I probably came closer to alcohol poisoning more times than I realized. I was almost killed by a drunk driver while coming home from a drinking party at 3am. There's more. There's also a point to all this.

These "sins" are only symptoms of a deeper problem: "original sin." Long before I was going to be condemned by God because of my own personal sins, He had decided to condemn all mankind because Adam sinned. And what a feeble sin that was in comparison to mine, so it seems! Eating a forbidden fruit? I mean, come on! What kind of rule is that? Then again, the act was in violation to a commandment Adam received directly from God, face to face! Now that is arrogant! Reminds me of my son when he was two!

If God was going to condemn me for someone else's sin, why am I now suffering financially? Am I reaping my own consequences for poor business decisions? Or, am I suffering consequences for trying to get ahead in this world which is in the devil's hands? Either way, get this: not only have my business plans not panned out, the whole national economy collapses!

Anyway, I've said enough for now. I'm completely overwhelmed. I'm also confused, convicted, inspired, angry, hopeful, and tired. A lot of people who don't believe in God or Christ probably didn't even make it this far in my post. I hope they stick around, though. Honest. I hope they donate too. Please help me get pay down debt. Please help me provide for my family.

Sunday - Another Work Day or A Sabbath Day?

Actually, a little of both. If you didn't get it by now, know that I'm a Christian. What does that mean? I trust in Christ alone for my soul salvation (saved from the wrath of God), and the word of God (the Bible) for my sanctification (spiritual growth in truth and grace into Christian maturity).

However, I struggle with having the faith that he will provide in practical ways. Although, scripture says, "Therefore do not be anxious, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you." (Matthew 6:31-33) I constantly wonder "when will these things be added to me"? I had some financial security a few years ago and now it's gone. Why does it seem that the more I grow in Christ, the more worried and fearful I become of lack?

I'm also uneasy about this whole "as ye sows, so shall ye reap" thing. Am I merely reaping what I have sown before? The problem is, I don't get it! I don't see any connection between what I did - being far from perfect in my youth - and what I'm currently going through.

So, today I'll work a little and refresh my faith in God. The deadlines don't change and I've got a lot to do to make the potential a reality. But I also need to worship God with my family and pray that He will bless my efforts. To be fruitful for the Lord is to work in the harvest field and love others with the love He has given me. To be fruitful for my family is to work at my business and provide for their welfare. I tend to separate these tasks by working or praying instead of working and praying. But, perhaps I can do both at the same time. Perhaps that is the lesson He is teaching me.

"When the student is ready, the teacher will come."
(Google this phrase for some interesting results.)

Yesterday and Today

I worked all day yesterday. That is, I set appointments and got leads. Unfortunately, I didn't close any deals. Even after I close the deals it takes a little time before I see the money. You see, I'm working for 100% commission. Like I've said before, there's a lot of potential in what I do, but it takes time and effort for it to pay off.

It amazes me how much "success" seems to be just luck. But luck, someone said (I think it was Earl Nightingale), "is when preparedness meets opportunity, and opportunity is always there." Oh yeah? Well, what about the scripture that says, "The heart of man plans his way, but the LORD establishes his steps (Proverbs 16:9)"? How prepared can I get? Prepared in what way? Should I plan in detail or just take action? (The "universe" seems to reward the latter.)

Maybe I'm spread too thin. What do you think?

• I'm doing as much of this external sales thing as much as possible. I help businesses save money on utility bills. It cost just a few moments of time. There is no technical change, just a better rate at which to buy electricity because of deregulation in my state. It is much more effective door-to-door than by phone, so it takes a lot of time.

• I'm also an Internet consultant. This business has slowed down mostly because of the economy, but I still have hours of work to do there, too. I help people maximize their use of the Internet to market their business. I'm a natural at providing constructive criticism in this regard. (Do NOT, however, under any circumstances, provide ANY constructive criticism of ANY kind for you wife unless she specifically asks you to!)
  

• I'm an independent distributor for a network marketing company that I strongly believe has a great compensation plan. Yet, I didn't have any "luck" building that business. It was like I kept saying the wrong thing to the wrong people. I'm still hanging on, however, because I truly believe it has tremendous potential. I was once "activated" and collecting commission. It was nice! My two people simply made now effort to grow their business and eventually left. I just need to be better prepared to say the right thing to the right people.

• I'm writing a book with the help of a Certified Life Success Coach, the marketing of which has the potential to reach thousands of people and expose them to my network marketing business. That's one way to say the right thing to the right people, and let them find me.

• I'm a real estate investor, sort of. Once upon a time I had money in my 401k. Then I heard all kinds of success stories about investing in real etstate. (Heard of Rich Dad Poor Dad?) So I took my money out, penalties and all, and bought cheap property (and property cheap) that was worth more than I spent for the purchase and after fixing the place up. Well, I tried taking the shortcut to fortune and fame, and now I own 5 houses and 5 mortgages. I figured the time for renting is upon us since less and less people could afford mortgages. The calculations consistently showed I would be in a positive cash flow situation. What they didn't show, and what ate any money I had left over, was that vacancies, repairs, and evictions were a normal and expensive part of the process.

• I'm a cyberbeggar and a blogger. I hate to admit it, but I dug myself into a nice, neat debt hole. Now I need help getting out. I blog simply to draw attention to my need. What really sucks is that my new family suffers as well. The kids would love to have a daddy around, and my wife would love to see me not stressed everyday. It's a tough balance. I just remember that many people have it much worse than me, and our ancestors from Europe (or wherever) did not hesitate to work 2 or 3 jobs to make ends meet.

Well? What do you think? To thin? Need my services? Interested in hearing more about something, anything (debt, cash flow, my book)? Any desire to invest in real estate (mine)? Have a heart to give? I do so want to give back. In fact, that was my plan all along: live on a certain amount and give the rest away. Unfortunately, I haven't arrived yet.

I registered a domain for this blog (apleaforme.com), which I'll setup soon, and created an email account. You can now email me at help@apleaforme.com. Please make a donation to compensate my time in communicating with you.

In the meantime, I have a stack of bills to pay today (including overdue taxes), lots of writing to do (book, websites), and an Internet Consulting client meeting (at $40 an hour). Lastly, may God grant you the desires of your heart!

Do you really want the gory truth?

I hope not. I don't want to admit the truth to anyone but myself, not even anonymously. But I guess I will over time as I humble myself and develop the courage to do so. I wish I could stress how much this is not like me to ask for help. Please come back often and donate once in a while if you like what you read here.

For now, let's just say I'm almost max'd out on credit. My home equity line of credit, for example, is max'd out and the bank suspended my account. That is, I can only make payments and cannot access credit, which is kind of dumb because I'm max'd out and there's no credit to access. A credit card issued me balance transfer checks which I used to make two recent payments to the home equity line. Now that card is max'd out. At least it's not suspended.

In the meantime, did you read my story? The story of my family? What could be cornier than saying it was a "match made in heaven"? But it was! There's a verse in scripture that says it best, "Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart." (Psalm 37:4) The desires of our hearts were for each other and God granted us those desires way beyond our imagining. He awakened our hearts to the softness and depth of which they're capable. Both my wife and I were absolutely delighted to discover this and each other.

Now, I'm simply hoping God will answer my prayers - perhaps through you, Dear Reader - and help my financial situation by giving. It is the desire of my heart that one day, soon, we will be able to give back (without going further into debt).

This is my story in a nutshell...

"Please God, bless my efforts to support this beautiful family. Do not put me to shame because of financial ruin. Help me to focus and work hard, putting aside selfish desires for recreation and entertainment until we're safely out of debt. Dear Father in Heaven, calm my heart and guide my faith in you, trusting that you will provide for us through the goodness of others. Help me to trust that you will work in the hearts of strangers as I reach out in all humility and sincerity. Move them, O my Lord, to respond to my plea for financial help. Amen."

Such is the prayer of my heart. It wasn't always like this, but a lot has changed in three short years. I, the father, was laid off from my corporate job in computer technology. I had a good salary, a healthy 401k, and a burning desire to do something different. The economy was still decent early 2006 and I figured it was a good time to begin anew. I started several businesses, but by this time they have all simply drained my savings and consumed my time. I even max'd out my home equity loan. Business trickled in; the bills poured in. At this time, I have a lot of potential, but my bills simply won't wait until it's realized.

In the meantime, around Christmas of 2003, another man (if I could call him that) walked out on his wife and two small children. One child, a baby, was not even a year old. On Valentine's Day, he said he wanted a divorce. This single mother and her two small children were emotionally devastated. They subsequently received a lot of support from their church and the mother's family. The family helped by situating them back home. The church helped by giving them emotional, spiritual, and prayer support.

At the first, the mother hated men and did not trust them. Who could blame her? She often sobbed for hours on end, and her 4 year old son would try to comfort her by bringing her a Bible.When the younger daughter was old enough to watch Baby Einstein, she would turn her head in wonder and sadness at her mother.

Year after year, the church continued praying for the three of them: first, that that would heal emotionally and second, several years later, that the kids would get a new dad who loved them and that the mother would get a new husband who cherished her.

Imagine how humble it made me to think that *I* was the answer to their prayers! We met by very slim odds and our relationship developed quickly. Within months, I loved them all deeply. I never knew my heart was capable of such depth. We married shortly after that and now we live all together. The kids call me 'dad' and I proudly refer to them as my son and daughter. My wife and I are still amazed at the circumstances by which we met, how deeply we care for each other, and how we've become best friends through honest vulnerability and emotional support.

Yet, the financial situation, although showing signs of leveling off, continues to get worse. We need a boost. Now. She works full-time and would love to be a stay-at-home mom. I would love to generate enough income to support that scenario and it's what motivates me the most. Our cars are old, we cannot afford health insurance (it is not offered where she works and I'm self-employed), and the church and family is doing all they can.

Also, it's hard to go out and be confident and positive in my business when I'm deeply worried about our current debt, a debt I brought into the marriage. I feel really bad for not progressing faster, but she assures me that "it's not what we have for dinner that matters, but the love we share among the ones who sit at the table." However, sometimes I can't help but wonder, "How can God bless us beyond imagining in bringing us together yet leave us in a state of such tremendous financial difficulty."

Maybe God is teaching me to reach for help. I've always had an attitude of helping myself, and the idea that others should do the same. Maybe you are reading this because God is touching your heart to participate in that lesson, or, perhaps, He is teaching you something. Please find it in your heart to help us turn our financial situation around. I am utterly grateful for anything you could do for us, for my beautiful family. God bless you!

Woe Is I

What the hell am I doing? A plea for help? I can't believe I got to this point. It wasn't supposed to happen, honest. But it did.

What's worse is I'm long overdue in asking for help. Now I'm desperate.

Is this blog going to help? Are you going to help? I don't know. It's probably worth a try. At least I can write my heart out. I hope you'll read it. I also hope that you'll help with whatever donation you can.

I'll be sharing my story as I go along. This is just the beginning (of the end of debt)...