You are so BAD!!!

That heading could be said with a smile or a scowl, and followed by a wink or a growl. Either way, my tendency was to internalize it. I was bad. Otherwise, I wouldn't elicit such a remark.

But, why did I internalize it? Why did I think there must be some truth to it? Why did I assume it applied to me, at least partially, without question? How did I let it build until I felt deep down inside that I was undeserving? Why would I go on to seek out evidence and confirmation of that?

Most Christians would simply say, "Oh, that's because of your sin nature. You were born with a bent toward evil." That may be true, but I need more understanding. From my observation deck, which is barely above sea level, the tendency to feel undeserving does not appear to be universal. Eleanor Roosevelt once said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." I blindly trusted a fallen world. I was very introverted and shy as a kid. I believed what I was told.

I recall listening to a tape set on the "World's 100 Greatest People" a long time ago. In it was a quick story about a famous theologian. I'm not sure now if it was Thomas Aquinas or Augustine, but the story goes like this. In school, he was big for his age and quiet. This made him a prime target of adolescent hecklers. One time, a group of his peers, who were supposed to be his friends, said, "Wow! Look out the window! There's a flying cow!" The subject of the story got up, went to window, and glanced around, seriously looking for a flying cow. The class started laughing hysterically. "I can't believe you fell for that," was the common cry. He turned and quieted them with these words, "I'd rather believe that a cow could fly than that my friends would lie to me." Me too. But, why me?

Ah! That question right there begins the yarn. "Why me?" It instantly relieves me of responsibility and accountability. And at a young age, those are very big words. My circumstances are larger than life itself. Even as I grew to see my surroundings as miraculous, I failed to see myself as a miracle. I must change the basic question to "Why not me?" But how?

First, I had to realize that the original question, which I thought was the question, is meaningless. To ask why of my circumstances was fruitless. In fact, I'm better off not knowing the answer lest I think of myself as a god, even if I don't use that label. I'm much better off simply trusting the universe, or a sovereign God, and examining myself. What does my heart say? What do my circumstances teach me? If insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results, what must I do differently before I go insane? The Al-Anon mantra is "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

Second, I had to realize that I am deeply loved and that I matter. It can start by simply asking, "Why not me?" But, it ends with the realization that my Creator is the One that loves. He is love and I am His. The journey in between has been my challenge. Often times I'd forget that I even asked a new question. I'd sink back into my earlier beliefs.

Why can't I be changed in the twinkling of an eye? Wrong question again. I'm leaving it to someone or something else. The speed at which I change is under my control. But, the recipe for change means giving up control and trusting that the universe will provide the circumstances that fit my beliefs. It always did! God honors my freedom to acknowledge His existence and love. He does not force me to love Him. That would be an oxymoron: force and love. Instead, His love and blessings require humility, not pride; a joyful heart, not fleeting happiness from material things; an attitude of gratitude, not one that delays appreciation according to an evaluation; and wholesome trust, not fear that He will hold back.

It takes time to put on these Humble and Genuine clothes when the world around us seduces us to become naked and naughty. "You are so BAD," becomes believable. There is reinforcement all around us. Yet, before my heart grew completely cold, my conscience was convinced that it didn't have to be that way. Follow your deepest convictions as I did. Sure, I fell far short of world standards in the process. But, I had to establish a new starting point: love. From here, everything is possible, even forming the habit of asking, "Why not me?"

PS - From a spiritual standpoint, why do you suppose I capitalized the H & G when referring to "Humble and Genuine clothes?" Leave me a comment, and I will comment, too.

Surprise! Surprise!

Actually, it's no surprise. No one has made either a comment or a donation. Am I a fool to think that someone would help? Probably. Especially in this economy. What does it take to get on the radar screen of the Gates Foundation?

Anyway, I've been listening to this law of attraction and abundance stuff lately. I have to admit, they have a point. Joe Vitale is probably the best resource to come out of that group. He's down to earth, he's been there (homeless and poverty-stricken 30 years ago), and he doesn't get all kinds of mystical weird-like on me.

I don't like The Secret because it over-dramatizes and spiritualizes simple examples of cause and effect. As ye sows, so shall ye reap. The emphasis in the movie, why The Secret works they say, is to go from positive thinking to positive feeling. They go to great lengths to make this sound absolutely amazing.

Unfortunately, it doesn't work for a lot of people because there's something else that needs clarification: the role and power of the subconscious mind. That's where the force to attract or repel really comes from. Affecting your subconscious is not as easy as choosing your mood. Your subconscious is like a protective layer that prevents your conscious mind from being completely whimsical, irresponsible, and spontaneous (but otherwise fun to be around). It provides stability in drawing you back to what you really believe, giving you a conscience and integrity, and takes its information from various sources including yourself, family, friends, the culture you grew up in, and even media.

My problem is that I feel stuck and undeserving at a subconscious level. I can choose to be happy, content, peaceful. But maintaining that choice is a struggle because my subconscious believes otherwise. Guess what! My subconscious wins. (Woopee!) Now, thanks to Joe Vitale's "The Secret to Attracting Money," (made available through Nightingale-Conant), I am aware of how powerful this block is to getting what I think I want. I can now go past the positive thinking and the good feelings that didn't work for me, and get to the core of the matter: consciously making the effort to change my subconscious.

Where did those undeserving feelings come from? Stay tuned for another blog entry...!

That make me feels real good!

I got another scam email pretending to want to help me out. It was called, "You are not alone... Someone still care." Nope, I didn't drop the plural in "cares." The author forgot it. Perhaps, she had a lot of other things on her mind when she wrote this. Then again, maybe she had nothing in her mind, no even decent grammar.

Dear Friend,

First, I want you to know that someone still care about people’s dire
need during hardship. Someone care to hear you and pray for you.
Someone out there wants you to live your dream and leave again even
though the road is rough and look like a predicament without remedy.

I was once in need when I first lost my husband and I feel the pain in
me when it seems my flood is running out of my veins. I know being in
need is like the world is coming to an end but a turning point that
you lack in such case is what I have brought to you with our company
that offers varieties of loan services and even employment opportunity
that is legal and crime-free.

If you deem us fit to give us a trial for the “change” you need in
life then do not hesitate to contact me.

Rev. Joan Rutledge.

Her "flood is running out of [her] veins?" That's gross! And imagine this, crime-free employment opportunities! Then again, that phrase "predicament without remedy" is pretty creative. Anyway, it really makes me feel better knowing I'm not alone (I wish she'd leave me alone) and that "someone still care" (but not for proper grammar).

Comment Season Is Open!

I've opened up the blogs for any and all comments. Please feel free to leave your thoughts and a trail to your website.

Yes, it's true. So what?

Mahatma Ghandi said, "There is more to life than increasing its speed."

We read that and agree without much reflection. Why reflect? After all, it is already a profound truth; it does not need my attempt for improvement. Plus, giving it three seconds to soak in my mind is all I presently want to help me get through the rest of my day. There are many profound truths. This quote will eventually get replaced by another, no doubt, but not before it is forgotten. Remind me to pick up a daily calendar with "Wisdom Quotes" to put on my desk. Perhaps, I'll glance at the printed wit more than once a day, if that.

But what does that quote really mean? Why is it profound? Is it always true? To some, it conveys that deepening relationships with family and friends is more important than climbing the corporate ladder. To others, it expresses unselfish justification for seeking volunteer work. (It's about life, not me.) To a few, it means that following God's commandments takes priority over bending to the will of another human being.

Maybe we should reflect on this and other truths. Let's give it a try... Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it's time for a pop-quiz! Please answer these questions personally and to yourself. For this exercise to mean anything (and not increase life's speed), please take five to ten minutes now and write down your answers.

1. What activities increase the speed of your life without adding to its quality?
   
   
2. Alternatively, what activities seem to slow life down by wasting or killing time?
   
   
3. What is it that you do that contributes or constitutes "more to life"?
   
   
4. What activities DON'T you do that you feel would contribute or constitute "more to life" if you did them?
   
   
5. How would you feel about exchanging the activities you listed that merely control the pace of your life with events that would add more to your life and/or the lives of others?
   
   
6. What would it take for you to make and keep a commitment to improving the quality of life around you?
   

Guess what! The pop-quiz was merely the beginning. Now comes the hard part: actually doing it! Get out of your comfort zone and step into the growth zone. Start small - baby steps even.

I once comforted a friend who was frustrated with his meaningless job that lacked proper training. Knowing something about his heart's desire, I asked what he would do if money were not an issue. What was his real dream? He answered, as I expected, about finishing his degree and going into counseling. But, he complained, he needed to save money first and it didn't seem feasible to go back to school or switch careers. I said, "Start walking in the direction of your dreams and a few doors may open up that you didn't even know existed." He did and they did. He is now doing what he loves helping others to love at all.

Perhaps, we recognize truth as being profound because it strikes that chord in us - we know it has something to do with love.