You are so BAD!!!

That heading could be said with a smile or a scowl, and followed by a wink or a growl. Either way, my tendency was to internalize it. I was bad. Otherwise, I wouldn't elicit such a remark.

But, why did I internalize it? Why did I think there must be some truth to it? Why did I assume it applied to me, at least partially, without question? How did I let it build until I felt deep down inside that I was undeserving? Why would I go on to seek out evidence and confirmation of that?

Most Christians would simply say, "Oh, that's because of your sin nature. You were born with a bent toward evil." That may be true, but I need more understanding. From my observation deck, which is barely above sea level, the tendency to feel undeserving does not appear to be universal. Eleanor Roosevelt once said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." I blindly trusted a fallen world. I was very introverted and shy as a kid. I believed what I was told.

I recall listening to a tape set on the "World's 100 Greatest People" a long time ago. In it was a quick story about a famous theologian. I'm not sure now if it was Thomas Aquinas or Augustine, but the story goes like this. In school, he was big for his age and quiet. This made him a prime target of adolescent hecklers. One time, a group of his peers, who were supposed to be his friends, said, "Wow! Look out the window! There's a flying cow!" The subject of the story got up, went to window, and glanced around, seriously looking for a flying cow. The class started laughing hysterically. "I can't believe you fell for that," was the common cry. He turned and quieted them with these words, "I'd rather believe that a cow could fly than that my friends would lie to me." Me too. But, why me?

Ah! That question right there begins the yarn. "Why me?" It instantly relieves me of responsibility and accountability. And at a young age, those are very big words. My circumstances are larger than life itself. Even as I grew to see my surroundings as miraculous, I failed to see myself as a miracle. I must change the basic question to "Why not me?" But how?

First, I had to realize that the original question, which I thought was the question, is meaningless. To ask why of my circumstances was fruitless. In fact, I'm better off not knowing the answer lest I think of myself as a god, even if I don't use that label. I'm much better off simply trusting the universe, or a sovereign God, and examining myself. What does my heart say? What do my circumstances teach me? If insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results, what must I do differently before I go insane? The Al-Anon mantra is "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

Second, I had to realize that I am deeply loved and that I matter. It can start by simply asking, "Why not me?" But, it ends with the realization that my Creator is the One that loves. He is love and I am His. The journey in between has been my challenge. Often times I'd forget that I even asked a new question. I'd sink back into my earlier beliefs.

Why can't I be changed in the twinkling of an eye? Wrong question again. I'm leaving it to someone or something else. The speed at which I change is under my control. But, the recipe for change means giving up control and trusting that the universe will provide the circumstances that fit my beliefs. It always did! God honors my freedom to acknowledge His existence and love. He does not force me to love Him. That would be an oxymoron: force and love. Instead, His love and blessings require humility, not pride; a joyful heart, not fleeting happiness from material things; an attitude of gratitude, not one that delays appreciation according to an evaluation; and wholesome trust, not fear that He will hold back.

It takes time to put on these Humble and Genuine clothes when the world around us seduces us to become naked and naughty. "You are so BAD," becomes believable. There is reinforcement all around us. Yet, before my heart grew completely cold, my conscience was convinced that it didn't have to be that way. Follow your deepest convictions as I did. Sure, I fell far short of world standards in the process. But, I had to establish a new starting point: love. From here, everything is possible, even forming the habit of asking, "Why not me?"

PS - From a spiritual standpoint, why do you suppose I capitalized the H & G when referring to "Humble and Genuine clothes?" Leave me a comment, and I will comment, too.